Sunday, February 9, 2014

How To Be Super Cheesy On Valentine's Day

The best thing about being in a relationship is that you get to be all tacky and yet super cute. On a day that is haunted by tackiness and cheesiness like Valentine’s day, it is very easy to turn into a stinky cheesy person who makes people in need of urgent ventilation. Planning on making people sick? Here are some tips on how to do just that!

Wear red!
Isn’t it obvious? What other color should you wear on valentine's day other than the celebrated color of the day! It’s also a great camouflage since everything everywhere is red! Even better, pair up with your partner and wear the same color and even designs. Note: this will only sicken rational spectators.
Walk around with a red teddy bear in your hand.
Fluffy, red, and looks super weird, what better way to be super cheesy than to walk around with a cheesy plush toy? Don’t put it down for a second like you’re a baby and its your blankie, and you sure will make some people feel sick in no time.
Walk around all day cuddling and holding hands.
Don’t let go. Even if its awkward, plain weird, and super inappropriate, just keep at it like you are inseparable conjoined twins.
Baby talk.
Some basic nicknames can be handled and some romance is sweet, but just a tad more than that (butterfly kisses, snuggling, meowing, and what not) and you shouldn’t blame anyone if the accidentally puked all over you.
Stop in the middle of the crowd, ignore people that are trying to pass, and just hug!
Its often sweet to see a couple hugging. But it is just painful for everyone and often plain awkward to be hugging in the mid of the crowd while people are trying to pass but you are blocking their way because you are busy hugging or kissing your other half! Dare they break your hug with an anger rage? Someone just might!
Try to setup any single person you see in sight with any single person you know (or don’t really know, maybe just heard about).
What better way to make people sick from head to toe, with goosebumps and all, other than being that couple that tries to constantly set people up? Setting up two people just because they both happen to be humans is just a dreadful nightmare! Do that (especially around Valentine’s day) and you will surely see people running for their lives.
Constantly remind your friends that they are single and act like a parent.
Theres nothing more gruesome than recently engaged or married couples trying to convince their friends that they should find someone and settle dow. If you are trying to push your friends into committing suicide add to that “I just want to see you happy”, that ought to do it.
Come in one package.
Always talk “we” not “me”, and not in concept, just literally do that as though you are one person! You might as well go to work meetings together, afterall you are the same thing, aren’t you? Combined with all of the above you will have stomachs rumbling and heads spinning in a second!
NOTE: this is jut for fun. Enjoy every cheesy, tacky, ridiculous moment of the relationship. To maintain some of your couple’s adorability just try to tone things down a bit and keep most of it at home, behind closed doors. Every stomach saved from rumbling counts.
Published in Identity Magazine. Feb 2014.