Monday, May 26, 2014

Political Maturity: Accepting "The Others"

We are new to politics, still discovering it, still knowing its rules, boundaries, and etiquette. We have all been guilty at one point or the other of being

Sunday, May 25, 2014

Life post the water fast retreat- Two months in the real world: Struggling

I am struggling. I've been back from the retreat for 2 months now, I feel lost, and I can't find my way back. I started all this even before I went on the retreat, with one goal only, and that is to
live a healthy lifestyle, forget the pressures of losing weight, because it will happen automatically with the lifestyle change, and just be happy, quite simply be a happier healthier version of myself. I came back from the retreat sure of who I am, knowing what I wanted to be, knowing the changes I needed to do... It was like a dream of utopia, I touched and felt utopia, I knew utopia personally, utopia was my best friend... Then I came back to reality. The first three weeks or so were perfect, I was sinless, I knew what I was doing and I did it well. I was on the right track, no one and nothing could tempt me. I was meeting a lot of people who were reading my blog, discussing everything with me, encouraging me, and at very cherishable moments they were inspired by me. I was happy, balanced, I had no doubt in my mind about anything. But then things changed, I got new input, and my output just got crazy, and as we all know: with every action there is a reaction… There was an action, I am reacting, and out of control. Though only very good things happened to me since then (2l7amdolela), but I got tipped over, I fell, lost my balance, and dropped my utopia somewhere, and no matter how hard I try I just can't get it back! I'm trying and trying, but I am sinking, I am struggling. I am losing focus of why I am doing all this, I am losing perspective, being pushed into a dark hole filled with all the wrong reasons on why, and at many times being brainwashed to change my perspective, to give in to old habits and obsessions. I decided that I need some stability in my life, some familiar friendly ground that I can rebalance myself on, to be able to get back on track; I decided to water fast for a day. I did it! Even though I had a long day, even a class to attend and concentrate in, but I still did it, I was so proud of myself, up untill 11:30 pm, when the day was just about to end... I, for no reason at all, broke my fast! I ate! Why?!!! Why!!!! Seriously, whyyy?!!! I couldn't understand why the hell I did that, I wasn't even hungry! I was extremely disappointed in myself.
Day after day I'm struggling more and more, losing myself, remembering those sweet utopian days where I had no doubts and no temptations, and unable to know why I am unable to go back there, it was so easy and so perfect, why is it now so hard and complicated? I feel like crying my heart out in sorrow and disappointment. I have no one and nothing to blame but my insecurities and emotional instability. It is a fact, I am admitting it: I, Nevine A. Abaza, am emotionally eating. I feel overwhelmed at times, I feel scared, vulnerable, and insecure. I'm terrified, to say the least! I have no one to blame but my inner self, which only makes it harder and harder. How can I get myself out? How can I stop drowning? How can I pull myself out of this deep dark F-ing stupid hole? Why am I so fragile? So easy to lose my balance? All this out of good things? Great things? Happy things? I haven't even yet faced bad things yet (2l7amdolela)! How will I face those?!! Life is not a panic room nor a safe haven, life is struggles, changes, burdens, and obstacles to overcome. I cannot fall just because my world changed. I cannot fall just because I did not see this coming. I can't fall because I got new input in my life. I cannot fall. I just cannot handle another fall. I cannot fall. I will not fall. Yes I am failing, but if I never fail then it only means that I'm not trying. I am trying, I will fail, and then I will fail, and maybe then I will fail some more, and just then, maybe and hopefully, I will succeed. So screw you failure, damn you insecurities, fuck you imbalances, I will F-ing succeed! I will not lose sight of my real goals, I will not have my wings cut just so I can be like everyone else. I am not everyone else, I am myself, and I will only be my crazy self. I need to refocus, I will refocus, and I will keep trying, till I do it the right way. I will balance myself, deal with the inputs as they come, and learn to just handle it! Find coping mechanisms so I don't fall every time the wind blows. I have to! I will! Maybe I fell down, but I will get up again, even if I fall 7000 more times, I will get up, brush the dust off, and keep going.
Bring it on life!

Thursday, April 24, 2014

The Last Days Of The Retreat

The first days of refeeding were the hardest for me. While it seemed natural and easy for everyone to

Wednesday, April 23, 2014

How To Deal With People Who Dismiss Your Talent

You know you are gifted. Your soul elevates to a pure haven when you use your talent, be it music, dance, art, cooking, writing, sports, or whatever talent you possess. For those few moments you know who you are, you have no doubts about your identity, or where you belong. You just know that there is nothing in the world that can make you feel more in harmony and in peace. You are gifted, but people that surround you don’t encourage you, even if they do admit that you are talented, but they see it as nothing more than a hobby, something to do when you have nothing better to do; they just don’t get it.

Tuesday, April 22, 2014

Illusions and Realities of Pain

As I drove back home I couldn't help but over think some things that are causing me to feel terrified. I thought about all the bad things that could happen that would cause the current scenario to end in pain and suffering. As I drowned in panic, fear, and self pity, I finally reached my home. I was met by a very sad and seemingly careworn valet. I knew he had

Wednesday, March 19, 2014

A delicious meal- 4th day of re-feeding after 14 days of fasting

Today was a calm yet pleasant day. I woke up, tidied the mess I did to my room yesterday, then headed to the meeting room. I found my gorgeous purple breakfast waiting for me. I had no clue what was in it, but it was love at first sight. The color was amazing, the taste was pure perfection. It turned out to be slow juiced guava and red grapes! Who could've imagined this combination working together so harmoniously. For the first time since I started re-feeding I was not trying to finish the whole cup and feeling overly full, today I finished my cup feeling happily satiated. We had a lecture summing more things up and adding some new and very useful information that can help us survive on our own, out of

Sunday, March 16, 2014

2nd day of re-feeding after 14 days of fasting

I couldn't sleep last night, i spent hours and hours in bed just trying to fall asleep but in vain. After about two hours I finally slept, only to wake up a few hours later, again unable to sleep. It was a torturous night, I felt sick and dizzy. After hours of unrest I finally managed to get back sleep, but woke up to find that I already missed breakfast and a lecture was in progress! If you have been reading my blog you would know that I don't miss those lectures no matter what, this was the very first time for me to miss a lecture since the day I arrived here. I was still dizzy, nauseous, and my heart was palpitating, I had no clue why, I didn't even have those side effects when I was fasting, so why now?!

Saturday, March 15, 2014

1st day of re-feeding after 14 days of fasting.

I set my "smart alarm" to wake me up around 8, I know we are a huge group and they needed some volunteers to help make the food. My alarm