Monday, May 26, 2014

Political Maturity: Accepting "The Others"

We are new to politics, still discovering it, still knowing its rules, boundaries, and etiquette. We have all been guilty at one point or the other of being

Sunday, May 25, 2014

Life post the water fast retreat- Two months in the real world: Struggling

I am struggling. I've been back from the retreat for 2 months now, I feel lost, and I can't find my way back. I started all this even before I went on the retreat, with one goal only, and that is to
live a healthy lifestyle, forget the pressures of losing weight, because it will happen automatically with the lifestyle change, and just be happy, quite simply be a happier healthier version of myself. I came back from the retreat sure of who I am, knowing what I wanted to be, knowing the changes I needed to do... It was like a dream of utopia, I touched and felt utopia, I knew utopia personally, utopia was my best friend... Then I came back to reality. The first three weeks or so were perfect, I was sinless, I knew what I was doing and I did it well. I was on the right track, no one and nothing could tempt me. I was meeting a lot of people who were reading my blog, discussing everything with me, encouraging me, and at very cherishable moments they were inspired by me. I was happy, balanced, I had no doubt in my mind about anything. But then things changed, I got new input, and my output just got crazy, and as we all know: with every action there is a reaction… There was an action, I am reacting, and out of control. Though only very good things happened to me since then (2l7amdolela), but I got tipped over, I fell, lost my balance, and dropped my utopia somewhere, and no matter how hard I try I just can't get it back! I'm trying and trying, but I am sinking, I am struggling. I am losing focus of why I am doing all this, I am losing perspective, being pushed into a dark hole filled with all the wrong reasons on why, and at many times being brainwashed to change my perspective, to give in to old habits and obsessions. I decided that I need some stability in my life, some familiar friendly ground that I can rebalance myself on, to be able to get back on track; I decided to water fast for a day. I did it! Even though I had a long day, even a class to attend and concentrate in, but I still did it, I was so proud of myself, up untill 11:30 pm, when the day was just about to end... I, for no reason at all, broke my fast! I ate! Why?!!! Why!!!! Seriously, whyyy?!!! I couldn't understand why the hell I did that, I wasn't even hungry! I was extremely disappointed in myself.
Day after day I'm struggling more and more, losing myself, remembering those sweet utopian days where I had no doubts and no temptations, and unable to know why I am unable to go back there, it was so easy and so perfect, why is it now so hard and complicated? I feel like crying my heart out in sorrow and disappointment. I have no one and nothing to blame but my insecurities and emotional instability. It is a fact, I am admitting it: I, Nevine A. Abaza, am emotionally eating. I feel overwhelmed at times, I feel scared, vulnerable, and insecure. I'm terrified, to say the least! I have no one to blame but my inner self, which only makes it harder and harder. How can I get myself out? How can I stop drowning? How can I pull myself out of this deep dark F-ing stupid hole? Why am I so fragile? So easy to lose my balance? All this out of good things? Great things? Happy things? I haven't even yet faced bad things yet (2l7amdolela)! How will I face those?!! Life is not a panic room nor a safe haven, life is struggles, changes, burdens, and obstacles to overcome. I cannot fall just because my world changed. I cannot fall just because I did not see this coming. I can't fall because I got new input in my life. I cannot fall. I just cannot handle another fall. I cannot fall. I will not fall. Yes I am failing, but if I never fail then it only means that I'm not trying. I am trying, I will fail, and then I will fail, and maybe then I will fail some more, and just then, maybe and hopefully, I will succeed. So screw you failure, damn you insecurities, fuck you imbalances, I will F-ing succeed! I will not lose sight of my real goals, I will not have my wings cut just so I can be like everyone else. I am not everyone else, I am myself, and I will only be my crazy self. I need to refocus, I will refocus, and I will keep trying, till I do it the right way. I will balance myself, deal with the inputs as they come, and learn to just handle it! Find coping mechanisms so I don't fall every time the wind blows. I have to! I will! Maybe I fell down, but I will get up again, even if I fall 7000 more times, I will get up, brush the dust off, and keep going.
Bring it on life!