Thursday, March 6, 2014

Fasting: Day 6

Today is another fine day. My energy levels are up, and I am inspired to write. I am sitting in this view right now, just out of the water, writing my diary. What could be more inspiring than this? I would have to say that Aswan was way more inspiring as a place, but it was such a short retreat filled with a million things to do that I never had the time to even consider sitting down and writing a daily diary.

Waiting for my medical examination one person was asking me questions and comments that included somehow a statement that I probably ate too much because of my current extra weight. Every time I am faced with that comment I want to scream out this is not who I am, you don't know me, and feel like grabbing my phone and getting out an old picture of me to show them who I am, what I looked like before I gained this drastically excessive weight.

I want to sit them down and go on and on about my life's miseries and all what I faced that led me to reach this point I am in. I pity that person because I am sure he meant well, and in no way imagined that all of this is going on in my mind because of a tiny comment he said. I must add that this person is very friendly and nice, I am not offended by the harmless comment, it simply triggered a lot of emotions and thoughts that are deep inside of me.
In spite of my inner thoughts and emotions I decided not to defend myself, I know who I am, I am confident and believe in myself. I know what I was, I know what I am, I know what I can be, and what I will be. I do not need to justify anything to anyone, or explain my history, or all the changes I have been doing, or how much weight I lost. I believe in me and that is all that matters, and all I will fill my mind, heart, and soul with. Time will show others my capabilities, and I am not just talking about my weight-loss capabilities or what I would look like, but rather everything about me, character, traits, talents, and all. I am not challenging anyone or trying to prove anything, but seriously, just wait and see.
During our morning meditation I was possessed by the idea of actually writing my book. The idea didn't come to me while meditating, I had that for a while in my mind, but the book to manifested in my mind during my meditation, I was forming sentences and divided chapters and all; I wish writing a book is as easy as my meditational fantasy, I would be done with a whole book in 20 minutes!

A nice dutch lady visited us today (Her name is missing from my mind right now), she was from the previous fast retreat, she fasted for 21 whole days. Her story is such an inspiration. She suffered from arthritis for 20 whole years, constantly in non-stop pain, she couldn't sit in her favorite position (which is also one of my favorite sitting position, one leg bent under while sitting on a chair), she stood up and showed up and that now, and after 20 years of not being able to do it she finally could, with no pain whatsoever! Her talk was very inspirational that all the time while listening to her I was thinking, "why isn't anybody recording this?!"

There were side discussions after her talk, and one was about what tomatoes (and food generally) tasted like after the fasting, and they were commenting about how salty tomatoes actually are. I can totally relate to that even before I complete the fast and do any kind of re-feeding, I generally stopped adding salt to my food, unless I am cooking for other people or in some dressing recipes, or if something is cooked so badly that it actually does require salt to improve its taste and make it edible. I find food salty that other people find normal, and hearing this discussion felt like "Yes! I am normal! I don't have super sensitive taste buds, I just have normal taste buds that people should actually have if they ate normally.
I can't wait to finally collect the benefits of this experience, re-experience food, and re-establishing my life and myself. I am inspired, willing, and in need of more and more knowledge, but they keep telling us to not rush things, take things one step at a time, it will all come to us soon enough. I accept that and give in to the fact that they know more and are far more experiences, they do know more than us, so all I can do is eagerly wait.

Today's morning lecture was about smoking addiction and how to overcome that addiction. I am in no way a smoker, but I decided to watch it till the end anyway. It was a good documentary, got boring for me at different moments as I thought of all the possible things I could be doing with this time instead of watching this, but I am still glad I did watch it. It is probably not a documentary that I would be looking to see again in the future, unlike many other documentaries we watched, but I am still glad I saw it. As it was explained to us, you can relate this to any form of addiction you have, be it smoking, drugs, OCD attitudes, food addictions, coffee addictions, or whatever you might be addicted to.

I spent my free time today writing. Filling out the empty diary pages, inspired by the fast and my surrounding environment. I feel peaceful, purposeful, ambitious, and very content (الحمد لله). I finished my energy in writing and rushed to catch the lecture, thinking I was late, but thank God when people fast they start to slow down, and they hadn't even started yet. I said it in many posts before, I really enjoy those lectures so much, it feels like someone is a chocolate addict and they are being fed the most deliciously rich chocolate cake ever, topped with chocolate sauce, and chocolate icecream while drinking a cup of hot chocolate. This is what I feel like when I attend the health and nutrition lectures that we have, I get high on them, again in spite of the VERY VERY VERY uncomfortable chairs. We have a very inspiring lecturer, he does not claim to be anything that he is not, but still very engaging, informative, and gets the message through easily. He makes it clear that we should benefit the most from the documentaries we watch since they are done by specialized professionals, but still those few lectures and discussions complete the experience.

Read my post "A Pleasant Surprise" to know about the lovely surprise we had today :)

I headed to my room already, after updating my blog I will look for something fun to watch before finally sleeping.

6 days of fasting done, 8 more days to go.

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