Sunday, May 25, 2014

Life post the water fast retreat- Two months in the real world: Struggling

I am struggling. I've been back from the retreat for 2 months now, I feel lost, and I can't find my way back. I started all this even before I went on the retreat, with one goal only, and that is to
live a healthy lifestyle, forget the pressures of losing weight, because it will happen automatically with the lifestyle change, and just be happy, quite simply be a happier healthier version of myself. I came back from the retreat sure of who I am, knowing what I wanted to be, knowing the changes I needed to do... It was like a dream of utopia, I touched and felt utopia, I knew utopia personally, utopia was my best friend... Then I came back to reality. The first three weeks or so were perfect, I was sinless, I knew what I was doing and I did it well. I was on the right track, no one and nothing could tempt me. I was meeting a lot of people who were reading my blog, discussing everything with me, encouraging me, and at very cherishable moments they were inspired by me. I was happy, balanced, I had no doubt in my mind about anything. But then things changed, I got new input, and my output just got crazy, and as we all know: with every action there is a reaction… There was an action, I am reacting, and out of control. Though only very good things happened to me since then (2l7amdolela), but I got tipped over, I fell, lost my balance, and dropped my utopia somewhere, and no matter how hard I try I just can't get it back! I'm trying and trying, but I am sinking, I am struggling. I am losing focus of why I am doing all this, I am losing perspective, being pushed into a dark hole filled with all the wrong reasons on why, and at many times being brainwashed to change my perspective, to give in to old habits and obsessions. I decided that I need some stability in my life, some familiar friendly ground that I can rebalance myself on, to be able to get back on track; I decided to water fast for a day. I did it! Even though I had a long day, even a class to attend and concentrate in, but I still did it, I was so proud of myself, up untill 11:30 pm, when the day was just about to end... I, for no reason at all, broke my fast! I ate! Why?!!! Why!!!! Seriously, whyyy?!!! I couldn't understand why the hell I did that, I wasn't even hungry! I was extremely disappointed in myself.
Day after day I'm struggling more and more, losing myself, remembering those sweet utopian days where I had no doubts and no temptations, and unable to know why I am unable to go back there, it was so easy and so perfect, why is it now so hard and complicated? I feel like crying my heart out in sorrow and disappointment. I have no one and nothing to blame but my insecurities and emotional instability. It is a fact, I am admitting it: I, Nevine A. Abaza, am emotionally eating. I feel overwhelmed at times, I feel scared, vulnerable, and insecure. I'm terrified, to say the least! I have no one to blame but my inner self, which only makes it harder and harder. How can I get myself out? How can I stop drowning? How can I pull myself out of this deep dark F-ing stupid hole? Why am I so fragile? So easy to lose my balance? All this out of good things? Great things? Happy things? I haven't even yet faced bad things yet (2l7amdolela)! How will I face those?!! Life is not a panic room nor a safe haven, life is struggles, changes, burdens, and obstacles to overcome. I cannot fall just because my world changed. I cannot fall just because I did not see this coming. I can't fall because I got new input in my life. I cannot fall. I just cannot handle another fall. I cannot fall. I will not fall. Yes I am failing, but if I never fail then it only means that I'm not trying. I am trying, I will fail, and then I will fail, and maybe then I will fail some more, and just then, maybe and hopefully, I will succeed. So screw you failure, damn you insecurities, fuck you imbalances, I will F-ing succeed! I will not lose sight of my real goals, I will not have my wings cut just so I can be like everyone else. I am not everyone else, I am myself, and I will only be my crazy self. I need to refocus, I will refocus, and I will keep trying, till I do it the right way. I will balance myself, deal with the inputs as they come, and learn to just handle it! Find coping mechanisms so I don't fall every time the wind blows. I have to! I will! Maybe I fell down, but I will get up again, even if I fall 7000 more times, I will get up, brush the dust off, and keep going.
Bring it on life!

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